i can't unlove you.

Knocking on my door at 2am, asking for a bed to sleep in and warm arms to hold her.

I let her in.

(It felt weird; unfamiliar. It was the first time I’ve held someone in my arms other than “L” ..and it felt wrong.
I tried not to, but I kept comparing her to the only other touch I remember
And..
She didn’t fit in my nook.
Or curl into me the way she used to.
Her warmth wasn’t as warm.
Her touch wasn’t as soft.
Her scent wasn’t the same.

I tried to sleep, but every time I’d close my eyes the inside of my mind would scream.
It was uncomfortable, painful to be next to her.
It was like sleeping on a thousand razors and every move, ever breath, every thought of missing “L” cut deep)

.. The heater kicking on and off. The humming refrigerator. Dropping of ice in the freezer. Ticking of two clocks. Cars driving. Wind blowing. My heart pounding. And screaming thoughts and memories I wished more than ever I could relive. All of these sounds and thoughts I counted over and over.. and over again. Until it was finally time for me to get up for work. I showered, trying to wash it all away. Trying to wash off the feeling of ugly is hard when it’s under the skin.

She was up and waiting when I walked out of the bathroom. I couldn’t look at her, and she didn’t look at me.
We didn’t speak. Not one word to each other.

She was waiting by the door as I put my coat on to leave for the day.. I asked her. Why? Why did you choose my door to knock on?
Without hesitation she replied, “because I was drunk and didn’t want to go home to my boyfriend, because I needed to be held and knew your bed would be empty, and because I knew you wouldn’t expect anything from me if I was in it”

I turned around and locked the door.

(I immediately felt angry and hurt. Did she not know my heart was a fresh wound. I guess it’s easier to ratify using someone when you are the user, not the one being used)

Walking through the parking lot, before going our separate ways, she turned to me and said, “I’m sorry.”

(I didn’t speak. I didn’t blink. No expressions. No emotion..)

I turned and walked away.

She knew I was just out of a long term relationship. She knew how emotionally unstable I was. She knew the one thing I craved and hated was a warm body next to mine in bed. She used me. Emotionally she used me.. and I hated myself for it. It’s not like it was just emotionless sex, and then bye, you’re on your way.. it was more. It was something I wasn’t ready to give. I wasn’t ready to be that vulnerable.. and it cut all the way through.
“L” is still in my heart, still in my soul. Her voice is still my favorite sound, her warm skin on mine is the only normal I know. Her hair between my fingers, her skin under my lips, the way she fit perfectly in my arms.. are all things I close my eyes and can still feel. “L” is just a memory, but I’m not ready to give her up. I’m not ready to move on. I’ve tried letting go, but she’s tethered to my heart.. and I’m not ready to unlove the knots that have tied us together.