Lost between her Lips

(an unopened letter to HER)

I woke up this morning wanting to hear your voice before the warm light of just another day peaked through the blinds to find my tired face. Laying on my stomach staring at the quote I have tattooed on my arm..


"if I can stop one heart from breaking I shall not live in vain"


Lost in the thought of how you looked at me with eyes so intense. Eyes secretly filled with stories of a woman I want so eagerly to know. Just as I was thinking to myself how I wished I had your smile to help me start this day, it hit me. There was nothing I could do or say that someone else hasn't already said and done. There is no place on your body that I can kiss that hasn't already been kissed by another. I lay there wondering if I had made any impression at all. Wondering if you were able to fall asleep, or if you stayed up like me thinking of a good enough reason to call you, just so I could hear your voice on the other end. Wishing I would have left something with you, something I so desperately needed back that I would leave my house at 3am to go pick up. Only to have another chance to pull you close to me. I lay there in silence, and between all the questions and thoughts, I yet again found myself smiling at thoughts of you.

(untitled)

Listen. Time's a wasting. That's what she said to me, what she said right before she died. And then? And then she laughed and said that she was just kidding, and that I should see the look on my face. Her hand fell out of mine and never moved again... Time's a wasting. Time is a wasting. Is Time itself wasting? Or is Time truly "a wasting." Anyway... Listen. Time's a wasting. Light finds the holes in the curtains and slips in, shines in on the floor. There's dust, making it all visible and it moves as she passes through it. She looks at me, but not at me, and turns away, but not away from me. Life is eternal in this moment, and there is only she, only she and me. And now? Alone and cold, left, sorry, and regretful. Truly missing. Missing all of those gone moments, the ones eased out or blown away. Missing the warmth, the hugs and smiles and laughs. Missing. Missing just knowing they are there. Knowing they are there to forget, there to make the missing okay, bearable. Just one moment back, even if it was to once more take advantage of having it. Just one. One to stop the confusion upon waking up. One to stop the tears even though they burn, and crush, even though they are real. Listen. Time's a wasting. That's what she said to me.

Unapologetically Me

I am a human being, (human) meaning I have made plenty of mistakes. I
mean I have made A LOT OF MISTAKES. I have done some things that hurt
some people pretty badly. I have broken the hearts of a lot of people,
I have made some very bad life choices, I have gone down the gutter
many times, I got involved in unprogressive things and unprogressive
people. I have just generally been one huge fuck up many MANY times.
Not to mention I have a list of issues I am still dealing with. I have
terrible anxiety, I have body issues, I have a tendency to fall into
extreme bouts of depression, and when it is really really bad I have a
temper and a passive aggressiveness that can shatter ego's with the
snap of my fingers. As much light I contain, I contain an equal if not
more darkness and when I lose a grip on myself it comes out and
destroys me and everything around me. As much as I want to save the
world, but I fall into a very dark place the urge to want to leave my
entire life behind is equally
as strong. That is the price that comes with this journey. If I did
not make the mistakes I have made and continue to make I would not be
who I am.

My journey hasn't been pretty, and I'm not proud of some of the paths
I've chosen, however I AM proud of who I am today.

Stop crying

I allow myself one tear. Then I wipe my face, pick up my shit, and continue with my day. 

Some ask how. How can you just move on? There is no how, that's the way it goes. Why sit and waste time crying over something I have no control over. 

Sometimes, it takes more than one tear; sometimes, it takes an hour of tears, but you wipe your face dry, and you go on. That's just the way it goes. 

Cloud Nine

Like words trapped in my mouth breaking my heart.

I speak, but what I say is always wrong. what I do is never right.
Like moving mountains, trying to push for a movement of heart
I always manage to let you down.

Cloud nine,

is just so far

I call her Arizona

I used to love a girl who made me a heart from frozen leaves. It was mid November, and snow covered the ground. It took Arizona hours to peal the frozen leaves from the ice covered asphalt beneath her feet and arrange them into 6" letters to spell out the words 'I Love You.' Next to those three words, there was a 6" frozen leaf heart.

Every time the seasons change; leaves start to fall, and snow covers the streets. I find myself thinking about that frozen heart. About the nail she broke, the cut on her index finger from ice, and the skinned knuckle from the hard asphalt. She could have stopped at 'I Love You,' but she didn't.
She didn't.

Arizona and I have went our own ways, and the last two winters haven't
been the same without her. I say I used to love a girl who made me a
heart from frozen leaves, but the truth is: I will always love the girl who made me a heart from frozen leaves.

I call her Arizona.

You never fall in love the same way twice.

"Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside. One moment, you'd start to call her to tell her a snippet of news or to vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have that right anymore; the next, you could not remember the digits of her phone number"

- Jodi Picoult, "Handle With Care"