Unapologetically Me

I am a human being, (human) meaning I have made plenty of mistakes. I
mean I have made A LOT OF MISTAKES. I have done some things that hurt
some people pretty badly. I have broken the hearts of a lot of people,
I have made some very bad life choices, I have gone down the gutter
many times, I got involved in unprogressive things and unprogressive
people. I have just generally been one huge fuck up many MANY times.
Not to mention I have a list of issues I am still dealing with. I have
terrible anxiety, I have body issues, I have a tendency to fall into
extreme bouts of depression, and when it is really really bad I have a
temper and a passive aggressiveness that can shatter ego's with the
snap of my fingers. As much light I contain, I contain an equal if not
more darkness and when I lose a grip on myself it comes out and
destroys me and everything around me. As much as I want to save the
world, but I fall into a very dark place the urge to want to leave my
entire life behind is equally
as strong. That is the price that comes with this journey. If I did
not make the mistakes I have made and continue to make I would not be
who I am.

My journey hasn't been pretty, and I'm not proud of some of the paths
I've chosen, however I AM proud of who I am today.

Stop crying

I allow myself one tear. Then I wipe my face, pick up my shit, and continue with my day. 

Some ask how. How can you just move on? There is no how, that's the way it goes. Why sit and waste time crying over something I have no control over. 

Sometimes, it takes more than one tear; sometimes, it takes an hour of tears, but you wipe your face dry, and you go on. That's just the way it goes. 

Cloud Nine

Like words trapped in my mouth breaking my heart.

I speak, but what I say is always wrong. what I do is never right.
Like moving mountains, trying to push for a movement of heart
I always manage to let you down.

Cloud nine,

is just so far

I call her Arizona

I used to love a girl who made me a heart from frozen leaves. It was mid November, and snow covered the ground. It took Arizona hours to peal the frozen leaves from the ice covered asphalt beneath her feet and arrange them into 6" letters to spell out the words 'I Love You.' Next to those three words, there was a 6" frozen leaf heart.

Every time the seasons change; leaves start to fall, and snow covers the streets. I find myself thinking about that frozen heart. About the nail she broke, the cut on her index finger from ice, and the skinned knuckle from the hard asphalt. She could have stopped at 'I Love You,' but she didn't.
She didn't.

Arizona and I have went our own ways, and the last two winters haven't
been the same without her. I say I used to love a girl who made me a
heart from frozen leaves, but the truth is: I will always love the girl who made me a heart from frozen leaves.

I call her Arizona.

You never fall in love the same way twice.

"Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside. One moment, you'd start to call her to tell her a snippet of news or to vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have that right anymore; the next, you could not remember the digits of her phone number"

- Jodi Picoult, "Handle With Care"

And from within myself I scream

*circa 2007*

This is completely random and out of place, but most of my thoughts are.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this now, but a few days ago I found myself driving without direction, just driving to drive. It was 8am, and without knowing how I got to the house I found myself in front of, I turned the engine off and stepped out of the car. Kind of in shock, a little nervous and somewhat scared, I rang the door bell. I hadn't seen this woman in a few months, and the last time we spoke it wasn't good. Still unsure as to how or why I was standing in the cold to see someone who I wasn't quite sure wanted to see me, she answered the door. With sleepy eyes, and a crooked grin, she let me in. I apologized for waking her up, but she didn't say anything, just a nod as she walked to the bedroom and curled back up in bed. I stood there in the doorway, I just stared at her for a moment wondering how I forgotten how beautiful she was. I slowly took my shoes off, pulled my hoodie over my head, threw the keys on the dresser, and laid with her. For the moment I was lost. In the blankets, in her arms, I fell asleep. I opened my eyes to find more then a few hours had passed. I looked around the room, still in her arms, I just laid there, breathing her in. My mind started to wonder and I suddenly felt out of place. Questions racked my brain to a point of paranoia. She's practically married, and all I could think about was what would happen if he walked in ... The comfort of her arms couldn't hold me or my thoughts. Like Deja Vu, I pictured him finding us like before. I pulled myself up and sat at the edge of the bed. I wanted to stay, but everything inside of me was screaming to go. Hands pressed to the mattress ready to get up, she warped her arms around my waist. "Five more minutes, just hold me for five more minutes.." as those words hit the air, my mind cleared of all thought. I laid back down and I held her. Face to face my fingers traced the outline of her lips, around to her ears, then down her nose and back to her lips. I was lost again. Not in her, but the way she had her arm warped around me. She hugged me with such force as she pulled me close. I know our heartbeats felt each other as she held me with no intentions of ever letting go ..
Five minutes turned to ten, which turned into twenty. I softly kissed her lips as I pulled away. I watched her lay there, thinking to myself "why couldn't she hold me like this when we were together?" I pulled my hoodie over my head, slid my shoes on .. picked up the keys, and turned to walk away. I looked back as she whispered "I LOVE YOU" .. her eyes were closed but her lips spoke those words so clearly, like never before. Was she asleep and talking to me? or was she asleep thinking I was him? As I lost that feeling of comfort yet again, she opened her eyes and said "Ang, I love you" .. I stood in the doorway as she got out of bed and slowly walked over warping her arms around me with just as much force and intent to never let go as before.We said our goodbyes and I walked out to the car. I sat there for a moment thinking to myself, "I wanna be held like that forever."

TBT post (And The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round)

1/22/2008

sometimes I want to write all of what is inside my head down in a notebook, and hold it so close to me that no one will ever know what I am thinking. Other times I want to write what I feel down on pieces of paper, crumble them up and throw them at your fucking head, just so you know exactly what I am thinking. Sometimes I feel all of what I have to say is of no importance to you or anyone in this world. I am just a girl with a thought; who knew?

sometimes I want to write until my fingers bleed. until every memory, thought and idea is gone from my mind and all that I am left with is emptiness. Or sometimes I can't write at all and I have this build up of never ending words jumping around inside of me, filling me up until I explode. Sometimes I look at you and I don't need to write, not that I could or couldn't, but for the simple fact that no two words put together could ever give justice as to how I feel about you.

sometimes I think somewhere between all the pages of what I write my heart was somehow misplaced and now all I have are these words. Pushing and pulling, fighting to be heard, to be said. I know sometimes I push people away. I guess I'm just looking for someone to push back and then maybe pull me in. It's the way my heart pushes and pulls and pushes to pull. How and why I need someone to push so I can pull, only to get pushed and then pulled in for good. Sometimes infected with the thoughts you put inside of me. infected with hope, with love, with a want for tomorrow. wondering if there's always a way, always a price to pay, there's always another day ... and still these words fight inside of me, they're all I have.

I haven't a heart, but a space replaced with all these words. will you take them instead? Because it's the simple things in life my words beat for. most of the time they beat to thoughts of you!