And from within myself I scream

*circa 2007*

This is completely random and out of place, but most of my thoughts are.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this now, but a few days ago I found myself driving without direction, just driving to drive. It was 8am, and without knowing how I got to the house I found myself in front of, I turned the engine off and stepped out of the car. Kind of in shock, a little nervous and somewhat scared, I rang the door bell. I hadn't seen this woman in a few months, and the last time we spoke it wasn't good. Still unsure as to how or why I was standing in the cold to see someone who I wasn't quite sure wanted to see me, she answered the door. With sleepy eyes, and a crooked grin, she let me in. I apologized for waking her up, but she didn't say anything, just a nod as she walked to the bedroom and curled back up in bed. I stood there in the doorway, I just stared at her for a moment wondering how I forgotten how beautiful she was. I slowly took my shoes off, pulled my hoodie over my head, threw the keys on the dresser, and laid with her. For the moment I was lost. In the blankets, in her arms, I fell asleep. I opened my eyes to find more then a few hours had passed. I looked around the room, still in her arms, I just laid there, breathing her in. My mind started to wonder and I suddenly felt out of place. Questions racked my brain to a point of paranoia. She's practically married, and all I could think about was what would happen if he walked in ... The comfort of her arms couldn't hold me or my thoughts. Like Deja Vu, I pictured him finding us like before. I pulled myself up and sat at the edge of the bed. I wanted to stay, but everything inside of me was screaming to go. Hands pressed to the mattress ready to get up, she warped her arms around my waist. "Five more minutes, just hold me for five more minutes.." as those words hit the air, my mind cleared of all thought. I laid back down and I held her. Face to face my fingers traced the outline of her lips, around to her ears, then down her nose and back to her lips. I was lost again. Not in her, but the way she had her arm warped around me. She hugged me with such force as she pulled me close. I know our heartbeats felt each other as she held me with no intentions of ever letting go ..
Five minutes turned to ten, which turned into twenty. I softly kissed her lips as I pulled away. I watched her lay there, thinking to myself "why couldn't she hold me like this when we were together?" I pulled my hoodie over my head, slid my shoes on .. picked up the keys, and turned to walk away. I looked back as she whispered "I LOVE YOU" .. her eyes were closed but her lips spoke those words so clearly, like never before. Was she asleep and talking to me? or was she asleep thinking I was him? As I lost that feeling of comfort yet again, she opened her eyes and said "Ang, I love you" .. I stood in the doorway as she got out of bed and slowly walked over warping her arms around me with just as much force and intent to never let go as before.We said our goodbyes and I walked out to the car. I sat there for a moment thinking to myself, "I wanna be held like that forever."

TBT post (And The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round)

1/22/2008

sometimes I want to write all of what is inside my head down in a notebook, and hold it so close to me that no one will ever know what I am thinking. Other times I want to write what I feel down on pieces of paper, crumble them up and throw them at your fucking head, just so you know exactly what I am thinking. Sometimes I feel all of what I have to say is of no importance to you or anyone in this world. I am just a girl with a thought; who knew?

sometimes I want to write until my fingers bleed. until every memory, thought and idea is gone from my mind and all that I am left with is emptiness. Or sometimes I can't write at all and I have this build up of never ending words jumping around inside of me, filling me up until I explode. Sometimes I look at you and I don't need to write, not that I could or couldn't, but for the simple fact that no two words put together could ever give justice as to how I feel about you.

sometimes I think somewhere between all the pages of what I write my heart was somehow misplaced and now all I have are these words. Pushing and pulling, fighting to be heard, to be said. I know sometimes I push people away. I guess I'm just looking for someone to push back and then maybe pull me in. It's the way my heart pushes and pulls and pushes to pull. How and why I need someone to push so I can pull, only to get pushed and then pulled in for good. Sometimes infected with the thoughts you put inside of me. infected with hope, with love, with a want for tomorrow. wondering if there's always a way, always a price to pay, there's always another day ... and still these words fight inside of me, they're all I have.

I haven't a heart, but a space replaced with all these words. will you take them instead? Because it's the simple things in life my words beat for. most of the time they beat to thoughts of you!

11:22

This hole in my chest feels so huge right now.
Like it's growing beyond the capacity of my body.
I can't breath. My chest is tight, my ribs feel like they are breaking from the inside out.

Is this what alone feels like. What loneliness feels like?
Screaming voices inside my ears, until I find a way to cut them out..

I cut them out.

This emptiness feels like it is ripping its way through my body.
I feel completely cut open, and I don't want the pain to stop.

... And She Went

“Why did he write to her,
“I can’t live without you”?
And why did she write to him,
“I can’t live without you”?
For he went west, she went east,
And they both lived.”

--Carl Sandburg

TBT post (My Blue Heaven)

4/4/2008

Told in stories written on walls of bathroom stalls
a beautiful girl with a smiling face.

I wanna see myself the way you look at me
dark brown eyes, a cute freckly face,
kindness and beauty ..

why can’t I see what you see
why can’t I see what you see?

but love, is more

I’m not sure why, but my heart is heavy tonight, and thoughts of my dad have flooded my mind. I always wonder if I was lucky to lose my dad at a young age, and not later on in life. My mind and my heart go back and forth arguing this debate.. and every time I come up with the same answer.
Time is irrelevant.
It doesn’t matter when, I would miss him just the same.

I don’t know if life is greater than death.. but love, is more than either.

Love. IS. More.

What Are You Afraid Of?

everything. I'm afraid of not being good enough, of being left, being forgotten. I'm afraid of disappointing. I'm afraid of being lost, I'm afraid that no one will ever love me the way I need to be loved. I'm afraid of myself, of losing control. I'm afraid that I wont be able to fight the urge. I'm afraid I'll cut again. I'm afraid that I let true love walk out of my life without fighting for it. I'm afraid of pushing myself. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of losing friends and family. I'm afraid to let anyone in. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of what will happen if I wasn't afraid.