11:22

This hole in my chest feels so huge right now.
Like it's growing beyond the capacity of my body.
I can't breath. My chest is tight, my ribs feel like they are breaking from the inside out.

Is this what alone feels like. What loneliness feels like?
Screaming voices inside my ears, until I find a way to cut them out..

I cut them out.

This emptiness feels like it is ripping its way through my body.
I feel completely cut open, and I don't want the pain to stop.

... And She Went

“Why did he write to her,
“I can’t live without you”?
And why did she write to him,
“I can’t live without you”?
For he went west, she went east,
And they both lived.”

--Carl Sandburg

TBT post (My Blue Heaven)

4/4/2008

Told in stories written on walls of bathroom stalls
a beautiful girl with a smiling face.

I wanna see myself the way you look at me
dark brown eyes, a cute freckly face,
kindness and beauty ..

why can’t I see what you see
why can’t I see what you see?

but love, is more

I’m not sure why, but my heart is heavy tonight, and thoughts of my dad have flooded my mind. I always wonder if I was lucky to lose my dad at a young age, and not later on in life. My mind and my heart go back and forth arguing this debate.. and every time I come up with the same answer.
Time is irrelevant.
It doesn’t matter when, I would miss him just the same.

I don’t know if life is greater than death.. but love, is more than either.

Love. IS. More.

What Are You Afraid Of?

everything. I'm afraid of not being good enough, of being left, being forgotten. I'm afraid of disappointing. I'm afraid of being lost, I'm afraid that no one will ever love me the way I need to be loved. I'm afraid of myself, of losing control. I'm afraid that I wont be able to fight the urge. I'm afraid I'll cut again. I'm afraid that I let true love walk out of my life without fighting for it. I'm afraid of pushing myself. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of losing friends and family. I'm afraid to let anyone in. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of what will happen if I wasn't afraid.

TBT post ( Words ... In Vain )

10/21/2007

Words, of love misplaced somewhere between our lips, become so hard to remember with every kiss. Dispite the fact that we say them countless times before and again, they are lost within the deep breaths of disappointment. I sigh a sigh of emptiness, hoping someday we will make it, but in a lifetime of constant disappointment .. I've learned to expect nothing and only hope for the best. Change is inevitable, and with the selfishness of this cold world, I am left open and vulnerable craving the warmth of your smile on my face, and the scent of your skin on my lips. I want you to a degree of almost needing, and almost needing to a point of pain. And still I can't bring myself to find the words I need to say to keep you. Knowing in my heart that the words are never lost or forgotten, fear takes ahold of the mind and those words never see beyond the tip of my own tongue. I pull you close for a kiss, hoping that with the simple act of our lips touching you will know all of what I need to say, but the emptiness felt is far beyond that of a kiss. I've never felt more alone. My heart set on fire, but like the Phoenix from my ashes I shall be reborn. Nothing is in vain, everything happens for a reason and from this I shall grow..

TBT Post #1

Too Young To Fight It
(Circa March 2007)


I had a great idea awhile back..
Hiding my heart.
I hid it between my mattresses so it wouldn't get broken.
(I figured it was safe there)
But every time I brought a girl home she always found a way to break it.

I should have just left it where I had it back in high school.
In an old shoe box.
I had it there for years and no one ever found it.



(But I am...
Still looking for her.
For someone.
For anyone, I'm just not sure she's out there.

I'm not asking for much.
Just somebody who sees the pointlessness in life, and still keeps their purpose in mind. I want somebody who has a tortured soul.. Some of the time.

I want somebody who will either put out for me, or put me out of my misery.
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say
"You know I never heard it put that way."

I want someone to confuse me.
Somebody who can hold my interest, hold it high and never let it fall.
Someone who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist
Or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall.
Because if you hear me talking, listen to what I'm not saying.
If you read my poems, read what I shouldn't have to write.
Don't ask me to put words to all the spaces between the words you should already know!
In fact if you have to ask, forget it.
Do and you'll regret it.

I'm tired of being the interesting one.
I'm tired of having fun for two.
Just lay yourself on the line and I might lay myself down beside you,
But don't sit behind your eyes and wait for me to surprise you.
I wont.

I just want somebody who can make me scream until it's funny.
Make me smile until I cry.
I want someone who can twist me up in knots and untie me before bed.
I want someone who's not afraid of me or anyone else.
I want someone who's not afraid of themselves..)

Am I asking for too much??