TBT post (My Blue Heaven)

4/4/2008

Told in stories written on walls of bathroom stalls
a beautiful girl with a smiling face.

I wanna see myself the way you look at me
dark brown eyes, a cute freckly face,
kindness and beauty ..

why can’t I see what you see
why can’t I see what you see?

but love, is more

I’m not sure why, but my heart is heavy tonight, and thoughts of my dad have flooded my mind. I always wonder if I was lucky to lose my dad at a young age, and not later on in life. My mind and my heart go back and forth arguing this debate.. and every time I come up with the same answer.
Time is irrelevant.
It doesn’t matter when, I would miss him just the same.

I don’t know if life is greater than death.. but love, is more than either.

Love. IS. More.

What Are You Afraid Of?

everything. I'm afraid of not being good enough, of being left, being forgotten. I'm afraid of disappointing. I'm afraid of being lost, I'm afraid that no one will ever love me the way I need to be loved. I'm afraid of myself, of losing control. I'm afraid that I wont be able to fight the urge. I'm afraid I'll cut again. I'm afraid that I let true love walk out of my life without fighting for it. I'm afraid of pushing myself. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of losing friends and family. I'm afraid to let anyone in. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of what will happen if I wasn't afraid.

TBT post ( Words ... In Vain )

10/21/2007

Words, of love misplaced somewhere between our lips, become so hard to remember with every kiss. Dispite the fact that we say them countless times before and again, they are lost within the deep breaths of disappointment. I sigh a sigh of emptiness, hoping someday we will make it, but in a lifetime of constant disappointment .. I've learned to expect nothing and only hope for the best. Change is inevitable, and with the selfishness of this cold world, I am left open and vulnerable craving the warmth of your smile on my face, and the scent of your skin on my lips. I want you to a degree of almost needing, and almost needing to a point of pain. And still I can't bring myself to find the words I need to say to keep you. Knowing in my heart that the words are never lost or forgotten, fear takes ahold of the mind and those words never see beyond the tip of my own tongue. I pull you close for a kiss, hoping that with the simple act of our lips touching you will know all of what I need to say, but the emptiness felt is far beyond that of a kiss. I've never felt more alone. My heart set on fire, but like the Phoenix from my ashes I shall be reborn. Nothing is in vain, everything happens for a reason and from this I shall grow..

TBT Post #1

Too Young To Fight It
(Circa March 2007)


I had a great idea awhile back..
Hiding my heart.
I hid it between my mattresses so it wouldn't get broken.
(I figured it was safe there)
But every time I brought a girl home she always found a way to break it.

I should have just left it where I had it back in high school.
In an old shoe box.
I had it there for years and no one ever found it.



(But I am...
Still looking for her.
For someone.
For anyone, I'm just not sure she's out there.

I'm not asking for much.
Just somebody who sees the pointlessness in life, and still keeps their purpose in mind. I want somebody who has a tortured soul.. Some of the time.

I want somebody who will either put out for me, or put me out of my misery.
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say
"You know I never heard it put that way."

I want someone to confuse me.
Somebody who can hold my interest, hold it high and never let it fall.
Someone who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist
Or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall.
Because if you hear me talking, listen to what I'm not saying.
If you read my poems, read what I shouldn't have to write.
Don't ask me to put words to all the spaces between the words you should already know!
In fact if you have to ask, forget it.
Do and you'll regret it.

I'm tired of being the interesting one.
I'm tired of having fun for two.
Just lay yourself on the line and I might lay myself down beside you,
But don't sit behind your eyes and wait for me to surprise you.
I wont.

I just want somebody who can make me scream until it's funny.
Make me smile until I cry.
I want someone who can twist me up in knots and untie me before bed.
I want someone who's not afraid of me or anyone else.
I want someone who's not afraid of themselves..)

Am I asking for too much??

Sometimes, whiskey outshines love

Like a needle on a record, taking parts of you away as it draws sharply and constantly across the heart. Slow descending circles, just to hear a song hidden in the scratches one more time. This is how I sing to you. Close your eyes and listen to the sound as I slide my fingertips across your skin. Every freckle, every scar, every fold and every curve of your body is a note played. This is our song, but one day the song will end. And when it does, I will hum in my sleep, as my fingers twitch from thoughts of you. I will sing the song your body sang, as I sleep, and dream, of you.

"All That is Gold Does Not Glitter"

Can you love someone you just met?
Can a connection between two new people be so perfect
So intense
So great
That there is instantly love!?

Or is what I’m feeling left over emotions from my last relationship?!

Am I just replacing one warm body for the next?
Rolling over love from before and picking up where I left off?!

I want to tell you I love you.
I want to feel more.
I want to kiss you deeper.
I want to hold you just a little closer.
I want to tell you I miss you when I’m not near you.

But truth is..
I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel about you.
I wasn’t expecting to meet someone I could fall in love with.
You have taken me completely by surprise
And yet I can’t help but feel this isn’t brand new at all.
Could we be connected on a cosmic level?
Is it possible that we are from the same star?

I can’t explain it, but I feel safe with you.
I feel comfortable with you.
Yet I am stuck with not knowing how or where you will fit into my life..
Simultaneously filling every waking moment with you!

I don’t know what feelings I can spare
Or what part of my heart is whole enough to hold you.

****
All I know
IS
With you
My soul feels alive
AND
I like
Who I am
When I’m next to you.