my BIGGEST fear...

After you're gone, people will forget your name, no matter how important it was; your face, no matter how pretty it was. What you have said or feelings you have created will be forgotten, no matter how clever or sincere any of it sounded. The things you've done will crumble and fade and the places you once loved, will change and be given new names. You are only here for one moment and it lasts exactly one lifetime. Nothing you do matters. Life goes on.

I want a Tuesday kind of love.

A Tuesday kind of love is this: Commuting to work knowing that someone cares about what you’re going to have for lunch; understanding that you do not have to be your dynamic, charming, weekend self this time; this time you can butcher sentences and make bad jokes and trip over thin air and it won’t change anything. A Tuesday kind of love is when weekends and weekdays are one and the same, expanses of time where unpredictable, irreplaceable closeness exists, swells, bursts. Tuesday is directionless conversation about things that happened five hours or five years ago; it’s knowing where she keeps her receipts and when she has a doctor appointment; it’s ordering Chinese food or forgetting to eat because you’re full of each other’s words and there’s just no room for anything else. I don’t want to dream through our lives together, don’t want to sleep in, don’t want to put on my sunglasses and pretend that life’s a vacation. The fantasy is that I want to exist in reality; the fantasy is to be there for someone on a Sunday morning but also on a Tuesday night, when the haze and laze of the weekend has worn thin and seems far away as ever. I want a Tuesday kind of love.

(I wrote this for you)

Sometimes all we need, is someone that believes in us..

Everyone grows up with their own beliefs and their own perceptions of what a true love really is. We will have all types of influences, including relationships we see our families and friends involved in, movies, tv shows, and other places as well. There are so many different things that we see, and so many unsuccessful relationships in this world nowadays that many of us are lost when it comes to making a successful and lasting relationship with someone that we really love. If we are really going to love someone we have to be willing to love with no conditions, and love even when a person is at their worst. Loving someone when it doesn't seem as though they really deserve it is an attribute that you have to search high and low to find in these days. Not everyone will hold you at your weakest, and not all hearts will love you at your worst, but when you find someone that will be sure to hold on dearly to a soul this special!

she is my forever home

If I breathe you in and you breathe me out, I swear we can breathe forever. I swear I'll find summer in your winter and spring in your autumn and always, hands at the ends of your fingers, arms at the ends of your shoulders and I swear, when we run out of forever, when we run out of air, your name will be the last word that my lungs make air for.

.. She found me ..

“You can keep as quiet as you like, but one of these days somebody is going to find you.”

I Am Everything Evil In Their Eyes

Her family hates me, and blames me for her ungodly ways. I am the "friend" .. the "roommate" .. never referred to as her partner or lover, I am a monster to them. I am not welcome in their home; I will never be invited to a family vacation, reunion, or out to dinner. Hell, not a single one of them will even acknowledge me as an important person in her life! She is not allowed to talk about me. I am the secret. The ghost in the closet. I am everything evil in their eyes .. and she is just going through a phase. Everyday it eats at me more and more.. I just don't understand how people can HATE so much. Doesn't it get tiring holding into all that anger and blame. When is enough, enough? And when will you just love and accept your daughter because she is your daughter .. no more Hell Mary's, no more talks with a priest .. no more praying for my soul because I am damned to hell for the lifestyle I choose to have. She is an amazing person and you are missing out on her life. It just breaks my heart when she hurdles oceans for your love, and you don't even bat an eyelash.. when it gets to that point where months, years go by and you haven't spoken to or seen her. You're going to blame me for keeping her away from you, pulling her from your family.. I hope someday you will look at yourselves and see just how far and hard you pushed her. She's close to the edge and she's clawing for something, anything .. just know when you push her off that mountain of Bibles and Scriptures, I will be at the bottom waiting to catch her. I love her, every part of her, and you are only bringing us closer together. Thank You

Thank You For Leaving Me

Thousands of people walking around downtown for Pride, and you were the one person my eyes found.. I can't help but to smile inside. That's how we met. A crowded bar, and as soon as I walked in I spotted your smile across the room and knew you had to be mine. I think back then I was afraid to love. It scared me. I've always been the type to like things that were concrete; like the ocean, something you could point to and know it was there . I think that's why I have ALWAYS struggled with love. You can't touch it. You can't hold on to it. You can't make sure it never changes.. I haven't felt your touch in years, and haven't heard your voice in months, but you will always be apart of my heart and soul. I guess I really did love you. Telling you I didn't was a selfish effort to save myself from heartache and pain. It was a cycle of me hurting you because you hurt me, and the final cut were 4 words I wish I never would have said.. .."I never loved you".. I know I more than loved you. I was in love with you, and you leaving me broke every part of my heart to pieces. Up until this last weekend I wondered if face to face.. would I be able to walk away? Yes, I walked away. No it wasn't easy. I'm sure I will always look for you in a crowd of people, and will always smile when our eyes meet, but I'm not sorry its over. I'm not sorry we met. I'm not sorry you left! Without you leaving I would have never found the amazing woman I am with today! She is my perfect match in every way. I am more happy now than I have EVER been.. so thank you for leaving me, it has been the most painful yet most rewarding gift anyone has ever given. Thank You

The trick is living in each day as they come ..

When a day has passed in life, be done with it. It is important to live in each day as it comes, to the best of our ability. So that even when our mind attempts to wander and re-live the past, we know that there was no more that could be done for we gave everything we could have given in every moment. Don't worry, just as you have made mistakes in the past, so will you in the future. Being perfect is one trait that no human could ever acquire. Instead of aiming to be perfect, we should instead aim to commit actions everyday that will help to tell the world who we really are. Be grateful and humble for every new day that you are given, and remember that after each day is over physically; it should also be over in your mind as much as it possibly can.

Love makes you want to hold on to things that you shouldn't

Sometimes when we love we are stuck loving someone who has no desire to change, or no desire to work things out with us in an effort to make things better, or to keep the relationship on a track of growth and fulfillment. There comes a point in time in some relationships that we must realize the only option that we have to live a good life is to let what is weighing us down in life go. Sometimes a love must be broken and let go so that both hearts won't have to keep suffering. Though it is true that love makes you want to hold on to things that you shouldn't, it is up to you to seek what is truly in your heart to know that you deserve greatness in every aspect of your life, including your love life. There is a huge difference between settling for a person because of the love shared in the past, and loving someone because they are who is meant for you. Never be afraid to let go.

(I wrote this for you)

The Smell Of Rain Always Reminds Me Of Her

a) Rain is the sound of the night rolling over in its sleep. b) Rain is a record of broken promises and each one is sent back to earth to clean it. c) Rain is life by a 1000 cuts. d) Rain is a coronary anesthetic. e) Rain is the world secretly crying for you, when no one else will.

Track 14

I heard that you're settled down That you found a girl and you're married now I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded That for me, it isn't over Never mind, I'll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you, too Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead You know how the time flies Only yesterday was the time of our lives We were born and raised in a summer haze Bound by the surprise of our glory days I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded That for me, it isn't over.. yet Never mind, I'll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you, too Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah Nothing compares, no worries or cares Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? Never mind, I'll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead Never mind, I'll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you, too Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Breathe On Me

You sneak under my skin like the first time we touched. It brings to life all the empty hollow corners of my lifeless body. It's like only finding freedom at night. Feeling our pinkies connect, as you turn to curl into me. My fast heart keeps my hands moving, tracing the curves of your body. I love being able to tell how 'Asleep' you are by how heavy your breath is on my skin. Breathe on me.. (hold me tight) Breathe on me.. (please, don't ever let go) Breathe on me.. (Goodnight) Breathe on me.. (iloveyou)

I Somehow Find, You And I Collide..

Everything in the Universe is made up of 3 things: Hydrogen, helium, and the particles from exploded stars!

Without Darkness, There Is No Light

Please words. I need you now.. I need you to tell the truth. To say things as they are. Don't be words that I say too fast, words that I have to defend. Please don't listen to me when I tell you to do the wrong things, be the words you were meant to be. Be honour and fire place and celler door. Be slow and sunrise and sunset. Be a phrase "I know they come again." No words more than needed, just enough to say what I mean and mean what I say. Please words. Work.

(Spontaneous insomnia inspiration)

Usually late at night, and for no reason, but thoughts running free. I stay awake thinking to myself, hoping that if I die someone will think of me and pray that I'm alive... I do that a lot though. Wondering whether my death will change anyone's world.

Counting Sheep, But Running Out

It's the quiet night that breaks me. I can't stand the sight of this familiar place. It's the quiet night that breaks me, like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace. Shaking, crying.. Tell me it won't always be this hard. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest. I cant breathe. I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are. My jaw is clenched tight. You build me up, only to smash my face into the ground. It's like swallowing a hand full of razor blades.. cutting all the way through me from the inside out. I want to scream but my lungs aren't my own. It's the quiet night that breaks me. I can't stand the sight of this familiar place......

A Long Walk Off A Short Pier

We're both just human. Nothing more, but also nothing less.. We never think the last time, IS in fact the last time. We always think there will be more. We are told we always have tomorrow, and we love to put things off until 'later'.. but when is later? ..And what if forever ends now?! Maybe the sky isn't the limit.. Maybe this moment is it.. Maybe there is nothing more. (.. and just in case there is no forever. i will pull you close, now! Letting your scent fill my lungs, holding your hands to my chest and putting my lips to your ear. iloveyou. In this moment i dont care about forever. I dont care about tomorrow. My heart starts and stops with you, and if there is nothing more.. i would smile because in this last moment with you next to me, i would have had everything!)

Bright Lights Always Make Me Think Of Christmas..

Just so you know, there are certain people who were put here to break you. Some completely break you apart and leave you open. While others break you to pieces and scatter the parts. You have not only broken me, you have knocked me down, and pulled apart walls, while simultaneously showing me how to pull myself back together again. Thank You.

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right..

.. and two lies don't create truth. You hurting me, because I hurt you, doesn't make it better. It won't cure the hurt and pain. It will only drive the knife deeper, creating more pain. I'm sure you'll feel justified in that moment. Stabbing me with the blade that cut you, but after that moment has came and gone. The same burning pain will be there. It's a circle of anger, and it will spread through us like a fungus. Yes, I hurt you. Yes, you hurt me.. but give me the chance to stop the cycle. Give me a chance to not make it worse, but to love regardless of the pain or hurt. I never wanted to hurt you.. I dont want to keep bleeding from this wound. Only allowing enough time to heal before ripping it open again. I'm not asking to forgive and forget, but forgive and remember.. after all of this there is still love! I know this will not be the last mistake either of us make, but to know I will love you no matter what.. Opens the door for us to learn and grow. I just need to know, that after all of this, you will still love me too..

She Flirts To Hurt..

(Making me regret what I did to you is not 'you winning'..
It's everyone still losing)



There is no pain.
Just atoms becoming humans and picnics, lovers and stars. And then something else. And sometimes it feels like if the wind blew too hard, it'd take us all with it. You don't have to close your eyes. There is no pain. Just atoms becoming the blood that pumps through your heart and knot in your throat, the clouds above us and the air inside your lungs. There's nothing to cry about. There is no pain. Just the light from distant suns and flocks of birds. The sensation of time passing. Waves against the sky. Those shudders than run through your body, aren't there. Your heart isn't broken.
There is no pain.

Nothing Set In Stone

I have theories about what it takes to talk to you again.

I have theories about what normal is supposed to feel like.

I have theories about how a heart sounds when broken.

I have theories about how long to make one suffer after a mistake.

I have theories about how to forgive without forgetting.

I have theories about how to love.. and let go.

But, they are just theories.

Afternoon Thoughts

A heart was meant to beat. And air was meant to be breathed, close to your ear. And your skin was meant to remember what mine felt like. And some songs were meant to play on repeat. And the sun was meant to come down. And we were meant to ignore it when it woke up. And days were meant to pass. And nights were meant to follow. And your eyes were meant to cry out whatever pain was left.

And I never meant to hurt you.

But I guess that's what everyone says.

"You have to pick the places you don't walk away from" -Joan Didion

"Predictable doesn't always mean boring. Lust doesn't always mean love. Near doesn't always mean close. New doesn't always mean exciting. Different doesn't always mean better. Far doesn't always mean distant. Knowing everything doesn't make you wise. Knowing the truth doesn't make you superior. Knowing your problem doesn't solve it. Sitting between your past and future doesn't mean you're in the present"